Beginnings and endings

I haven’t written in a while because my life fell apart for a while. The last post that I wrote was about how much I love my sweet 14-year-old best friend cat. Unfortunately, in December, I had to say goodbye to him. I cried nonstop for nearly a week. There is no way to accurately convey how close the relationship between us was, to anyone who has never loved a cat like mine. He came to me from a dumpster, where someone had thrown him away. I rescued him and he rescued me. I was in a bad place in my life when he and his brother came in and brightened the way. He was a best friend, in kitty form. He came to work with me most days, and lounged on or under my desk. He traveled across country with me when I decided to up and move from Southern California to North Carolina, and years later, when I tucked tail and came home again. He was there to comfort me through all my ups and downs. He was there when I was diagnosed with melanoma, and curled up with me when I had debilitating migraines, which turned out to not be migraines at all. He was just there. He was a best friend and an endless comfort. When I got the grim news in October 2011 that he had 3 weeks to live, I vowed to enjoy every moment that I could. 3 weeks stretched into 3 months, and eventually over a year. And then, suddenly, it ended. A midnight rush to the emergency vet clinic, a faint hope that he’d pull through again, and then a day when he was in so much pain all he could do was curl up and cry. I did what I hope any responsible pet owner would do, and took him to the vet and held him tight and cried into his soft fur while saying goodbye.

It still pains me to think back on it. It’s been a few months now, and a new cat has entered my life. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but everything happens for a reason. The new cat is as different from my Moo as possible. He’s hyper and crazy and loves chasing rubber bands instead of lasers. He’s also a “special needs” cat. He had been┬ámistreated by his previous owners and now had permanent damage to his urinary tract, which requires special (read: very expensive) prescription cat food. I seem to attract the broken things in life. I don’t fool myself into thinking that I’m some sort of healer or even particularly special, but maybe my own broken-ness is what causes the attraction. I know that I am emotionally damaged, and taking care of others is my way of healing myself.

The other major change in my life right now is work related. I’ve finally – after nearly 5 years – found another full-time job. I’m taking a hiatus from my part-time job while I train for this new position, and I’m seriously considering whether to go back. I’ve started volunteering at a rescue operation for kitties, to help them find homes, and I really enjoy that much more than the thought of going back to the retail environment where I busted my ass for so many years for so little appreciation. I don’t need to decide immediately, so I’ll think on it for a while longer. The more things change, the more they stay the same. There is more going on in my life that needs to change, but I’m not ready to examine it too closely in the light of day yet. There are so many things that have happened in the past 6 months that I don’t know how to mentally sort them right now. I do know that writing has always helped me clarify my thoughts, so I’m intending to get back on here on a regular basis again, even if it’s just silly rambling like tonight. Bear with me while I try to get my head on straight.