I am adrift in my sailboat, rudderless, awaiting the right wind to tell me which direction my destiny awaits

It’s no secret that I am not a fan of San Diego. I moderately disliked it when I was growing up, but it wasn’t until I freed myself by moving to North, and then later, South Carolina that I realized how wonderful a true “home” can be. I know there are many out there who think that you’d have to be crazy to give up the year round sunshine and beautiful beaches to live anywhere else. It’s unfortunate that it’s all spin courtesy of the Tourism Board. In the winter, it drops as low as 30° and in the summer it gets as warm as 110° and we won’t even discuss the smog that makes it impossible to breathe. As to those lovely beaches, regular surfers are recommended to keep their Hep vaccines current, because there is all kinds of nasty things swirling around in the water that comes up from Baja California.

It’s been nearly 5 years since I’ve returned to this city where I was born, but do not consider home. The urge to leave gets stronger every day, to the point where it’s been almost an obsession to find a way out of here. Thankfully, I have some wonderful friends who are willing to help me out, and I may just find myself on the road again soon, to points unknown. As much as I tell myself I want to return to the Carolinas, there are still 8 states I have yet to visit, and there is always the possibility that I may fall even more in love with one of them. Then again, maybe I’ll end up somewhere completely different altogether.

Since I was very young, I felt that I just didn’t fit in. Somehow, I just didn’t quite mesh with my family or this city I grew up in. That’s not to say that I dislike my family. I just don’t think I’ve ever been terribly important to them, and I’m okay with that. I’m different. I accept that. My sister was the wonder child, and no matter how hard I tried, I could never be as good as her. So, I took a different path, and ended up in different places, with different experiences. Maybe some were good, some of them were definitely bad. Each one was a learning experience. I try to not make the same mistakes twice. I’ve been known to jump feet first into situations without adequately making sure there is a safety net below me.

I’m getting older, but I still don’t feel like I’m a grown up. There are many days when I just want my mom to give me a hug and tell me that I’ve turned into a good person. Perfect strangers frequently tell me that I am wonderful, and a pleasure to speak with, and that I’ve brightened their days. I wonder what went wrong with me that my own family doesn’t feel the same about me. And so, I wander. Do I have a home? No, all I have is a place to sleep at night and keep a few belongings. Even in my own “home” I don’t belong. I’m not wanted here, and I wonder if I’ll ever find a place where I am wanted.