Three good things

My therapist today gave me an assignment to note three good things each day and think about them for 10 to 15 minutes (and write them down, if I feel like it). It was already mid-afternoon by the time I left there, and the rest of my day consisted of dinner, playing with Tiggy, and reading. All three of those things are, of course, great things. I guess I need to learn to re-appreciate all the little things that are going right in my world, instead of thinking about all the things that are going wrong.

Is it always darkest before the storm?

I’ve been having lots of emotional problems lately. September of last year started a downward spiral for me emotionally that I’m still trying to dig my way out of. I went to a psychologist last Thursday for the first time since the failed “marital counseling” that my ex and I went through before he decided he’d rather be shot at by angry Afghanistanians than be around me. It was the “evaluation” interview where she tries to figure out just how fucked up I am, so that we can start figuring out how to get me un-fucked-up. I made a promise to myself that I’d stop hiding and I’d come out and talk about my problems and try to resolve them, so that hopefully I can have some semblance of a normal life some day. I just don’t know how or if that will ever happen.

I did receive my new knee brace in the mail yesterday, so at least that part of my life is going well. It seems like as soon as anything starts improving, that’s a magnet for everything else to start going wrong, though, so I’m expecting a shit storm to head my way. All day today I was angry. There wasn’t anything particularly wrong, but everything was making me angry. I tried my normal deep breathing and trying to stand up and stretch and think about other things, but all I can think about is how shitty the past year has been.

I know my problems seem minor in comparison to what others are dealing with, but they’re wrecking my life. I feel like I don’t have anyone I can depend on. My family doesn’t care about me or want me around. My love is too busy with his own things to be there for me, even if he wanted to be. I have almost no friends locally. I have one that I meet up with once a month or so, but other than that, it’s work, physical therapy, cat volunteering (yes, I volunteer to be a cat!), and then home. I rarely leave my room once I get home, and I know I’m not eating enough, but I just don’t care. It’s not like I’m wasting away. I just don’t have the willpower to hobble downstairs on my two bad knees to eat food that I’m not going to taste anyway.

I know I have my cyber-friends, and that they love me in their own way, but it’s not a substitute for having someone around to spend time with or just hang out and do nothing. I don’t know if it’s my own personal wall that’s keeping everyone out, or if I’m just so screwed up that no one wants to be near me. This is my silent scream.

I’m trying to move forward

I’m still in physical therapy to repair my right knee. Unfortunately, because I’ve been favoring my right knee, my bad left knee has been giving me problems. I’ve also started seeing a psychologist weekly, to try to get over my past and learn how to screw up less in the future. Other fun changes I’ve encountered in the past couple weeks would be finding out that I have high cholesterol, so I have to take statins, and I now need reading glasses. The reading glasses thing is filled with irony, because my last eye exam had my close vision perfect, and my distance vision slightly off. Now, my distance vision is perfect, but my close vision needs help. I just can’t seem to do anything right.

I’m horribly homesick for the Carolinas these days, especially this time of year when the air is crisp and cold and the leaves are changing colors. I want to go home.