Is it always darkest before the storm?

I’ve been having lots of emotional problems lately. September of last year started a downward spiral for me emotionally that I’m still trying to dig my way out of. I went to a psychologist last Thursday for the first time since the failed “marital counseling” that my ex and I went through before he decided he’d rather be shot at by angry Afghanistanians than be around me. It was the “evaluation” interview where she tries to figure out just how fucked up I am, so that we can start figuring out how to get me un-fucked-up. I made a promise to myself that I’d stop hiding and I’d come out and talk about my problems and try to resolve them, so that hopefully I can have some semblance of a normal life some day. I just don’t know how or if that will ever happen.

I did receive my new knee brace in the mail yesterday, so at least that part of my life is going well. It seems like as soon as anything starts improving, that’s a magnet for everything else to start going wrong, though, so I’m expecting a shit storm to head my way. All day today I was angry. There wasn’t anything particularly wrong, but everything was making me angry. I tried my normal deep breathing and trying to stand up and stretch and think about other things, but all I can think about is how shitty the past year has been.

I know my problems seem minor in comparison to what others are dealing with, but they’re wrecking my life. I feel like I don’t have anyone I can depend on. My family doesn’t care about me or want me around. My love is too busy with his own things to be there for me, even if he wanted to be. I have almost no friends locally. I have one that I meet up with once a month or so, but other than that, it’s work, physical therapy, cat volunteering (yes, I volunteer to be a cat!), and then home. I rarely leave my room once I get home, and I know I’m not eating enough, but I just don’t care. It’s not like I’m wasting away. I just don’t have the willpower to hobble downstairs on my two bad knees to eat food that I’m not going to taste anyway.

I know I have my cyber-friends, and that they love me in their own way, but it’s not a substitute for having someone around to spend time with or just hang out and do nothing. I don’t know if it’s my own personal wall that’s keeping everyone out, or if I’m just so screwed up that no one wants to be near me. This is my silent scream.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Hab
    Nov 06, 2013 @ 12:08:51

    Hey Es, hope you don’t mind that I comment here – it seems a little more personal than FB. This may seem a basic “I know just how you feel” response, but truly – I do. I always am waiting for the other shoe to drop when things start to get better, and usually (don’t know if it is self-fullfilling prophecy or what) it does. With a thump. On my head. The only thing that 20 years more of life does give me (a bit older than you, my dear), is that I know it will eventually work out. One way or another. That gives me some sort of peace about it even if it is just a little. I also feel – like you – that so many others have things worse than I do, and yet I seem to only be able to keep myself together mentally/spiritually a day and sometimes just a moment at a time. I don’t understand why. I do have Faith that I rely on, and loved ones that care, and so much more, but the depression is so debilitating at times it is hard to keep even the basic semblance of a life going. You mentioned that you made a promise to yourself to “stop hiding” – well, maybe that is the first step and you just don’t know it. As for me, I am going to be praying for someone to come into your life to be that support that you need. I know it is a cliche, but hang in there. You are a truly special person, and I know there is more for you. Love and emobear hugs to you my dear Es. Please don’t give up on yourself – you are certainly NOT so messed up that people wouldn’t want to be around you. It just feels that way.

    Reply

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