The choice is no longer mine

In my last post, I stated that I was concerned about what Monday would bring, in regards to the pain in my knee. As it turned out, I didn’t have to wait that long after all. My physical therapist was manipulating my patella on Wednesday, and I have over a 1/2″ of lateral movement in the kneecap. That means that it’s not tracking at all. It’s worse now than it was when I first injured it three and a half months ago. I’m in more pain, and all the strengthening exercises in the world aren’t going to help me now, because it would seem that I’ve torn or broken something inside. I’ll get a real answer on Monday, but it’s been a very emotionally draining week for me.

Of course, all the stress over the knee is aggravating my headache, so that has gotten worse over the past week as well. Some days, most days, I just don’t even want to get out of bed. Even with upping my antidepressants, I find myself crying regularly when I’m alone. I try to hide my emotions around other people, and maybe it works. Maybe it doesn’t. Shikata ga nai. I have no option at this point. My fate will be decided without my input. Whatever you’re doing, whether you know me or not, think of me on Monday afternoon and if you are so inclined, pray that it is not so damaged that I need to have the entire knee replaced before I even turn 40.

Thank you.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Hab
    Dec 22, 2013 @ 00:58:34

    Dearest Es,

    I am so very sorry to hear that things seem to be going in a downward spiral in regards to your knee, health and well-being. I so understand this feeling. Just know that things do have a way of working out – sometimes in ways we wouldn’t have chosen or expected, but one way or another for our betterment. I know that sounds very “cliche”, but I have lived this for many years now, as you have. No matter what happens, trust and have faith that this, your path, is meant for you – to bring you to the person you were meant to be. Be certain of this, and you will find peace in the middle of the worst times. You have encouraged me and inspired me with your courage and indomitable spirit, as I am sure you have many others. Of course my prayers and love are with you; now, Monday and onward into the unknown future.


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