Frustration, aggravation, & depression

I’ve been writing a lot about my knee lately, and I feel like I’m sounding like a broken record, so I thought I’d switch back for a while to the other ailment that occupies a majority of my life.

I have Major Depressive Disorder. I also have chronic Panic Disorder. Add both of those to an excruciating headache like a migraine that’s been with me since April 2005.

Chronic pain is well known to cause depression. I don’t know where the Panic Disorder came from. Just lucky, I guess. The headache is caused by a bone spur that is slowly pinching off the nerves at my C5. Without surgery, it may eventually paralyze me from the neck down. With surgery, I run the risk of death or paralysis anyway, and bone spurs can grow back. Neither is a really good option for me, for obvious reasons.

While I am depressed, I work closely with my doctor while we try to sort out the best combination of medications that will ease my symptoms while causing the least amount of side effects. The most efficient combo seems to work decently on the depression since I rarely break out in spontaneous bouts of crying for no discernable reason. Unfortunately, it’s brought my insomnia back in a major way. Even with high dosages of sleeping pills & meditation each night, I fall asleep just fine, but then I wake up every couple hours throughout the night. I can’t win for losing.

I keep trying though. I won’t give up. Eventually, if I can just hold on long enough, maybe some brilliant scientist will create something that would help me. People who know me don’t always know about my depression and they wonder why I’m always in such a good mood. I’ve just discovered that it’s easier to just fake happiness than to try explaining depression. I don’t like having to hide who I am from friends, so I don’t, but co-workers & strangers can keep on believing that I’m just a cheerful, happy person.

Three good things
1) I rearranged my desk at work today & love that I have more room & that my desk is distinct from everybody else’s.
2) I bought my mom a pot of daffodils, simply because I know she loves them.
3) My car registration came in the mail today, which means my vanity plates can’t be too far behind.


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